Reason #216

I feel like I’ve just gone through a 3 day crash course in Trust 101. The main topic: trust vs worry. And so for 3 days, I have allowed my stomach to be in knots. For 3 days, I have scrunched my shoulders ever so tightly from the stress of worry. For 3 days I have let anxiety steal my joy. And over what you ask? Control.

I like control. I do. I like to know what’s going on, I like being in charge, and I really prefer to know the outcome. And so changes began to happen and circumstances were out of my control. Bad changes? No. But any change comes with a shift and, as I’ve noticed in my life, changes always hit at once. They never show up one at a time. That would be too easy. Rather, they show up in droves. And so I feel plagued. Too many changes, too many new emotions, new adjustments, and it takes me a while to figure it out. The joy of being an analytical person is that your brain likes to categorize everything. All things must be orderly and have a spot, and just when I feel that I’ve efficiently and effectively organized it all, something happens to change that. If there is one thing I should be excelling in by now, it should be the subject of change. Obviously, I will, forever, be a student.

So these changes caused worry. Worry because I stopped trusting. I started thinking about how I was going to manage everything, how I was going to organize and control everything so that, in my mind, it would work out perfectly. How could I make the most of these changes? Well, needless to say, it didn’t take me long to realize there was absolutely no way I could do this. I couldn’t, for the life of me, organize it all neatly in my mind and I got frustrated. And, last night, I finally began to realize that the Lord was giving me opportunities again. Opportunities for growth. Opportunities to learn how to trust Him in different circumstances. Because I have down the trust part when it comes to healing and restoring. I have learned how to trust Him in the unknown as well as in the waiting. I have learned how to trust His provision when I wasn’t really sure how and if things were going to be okay. I’ve learned how to trust Him in the incredibly painful, hurtful, dark, difficult times. But now I’m facing drastically different times. Joy, happiness, excitement, and this is new to me. And so I have to learn, once again, how to trust. How to trust when things are going well, when things are going easy, when I’m out of the valley. Funny, isn’t it? Funny that I would have a harder time trusting in the joy, especially after what I’ve walked through. But really, that’s been my prayer all along. “Lord, don’t let me forget what I’ve learned, what you’ve done. Don’t let me drift when the pain subsides.”

Late last night, I crawled into bed and I sighed a sigh of relief. A day filled with unnecessary, self-inflicted anxiety and everything went well. Everything went completely different than I expected, and I was just so grateful that He always takes care of every little detail for me. And I thought about my most pressing anxiety of the day. I thought back to how He had answered my anxious prayer many, many months ago with this day’s “anxiety” and I just smiled as I thought about what He has taught me since then. His timing is so divine, and I caught another glimpse of how He truly does have a purpose in everything He does.

So He continues to teach me. He continues to change me as these changes come my way, and I’m so grateful that He does. I’m thankful that He’s always taking the time to invest in me, to take me deeper, and to continue to mold a very stubborn, emotional being rather than letting her have her selfish, ignorant way. I used to sing a catchy song about change when I was a little girl and the words have come back to mind today.

“He’s still working on me to make me what I ought to be.

It took Him a week to make the moon and stars, the sun and the Earth and Jupiter and Mars.

How loving and patient He must be.

He’s still working on me.”

And I praise Him that He won’t be done anytime soon!

#216 – Because He gives me crash courses to teach me, to remind me, and to change me.

“O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.” – Psalm 62:8