Reason #509

As I sat at work today, freezing cold from the air conditioner, I thought about this day last month. We had just arrived in Mexico. Ready to get a tan, to relax, and to get caught up on our rest. Now, one month later, my tan has greatly faded, my rest has been depleted, and our schedule has stayed full.

 

I love vacations. I would take one a month if I could afford it and actually had that many vacation days. In fact, Aaron and I have already started planning out our next vacation(s) and I am more than looking forward to them. We decided we’d try to pack in as many trips as possible before we have children. Those little goobers slow you down and take your money so we figured we’d better be as selfish as possible until then.

 

I’ll be 26 in two months. People are always asking me if I have children. I tell them about Scout, and even though she’s not technically a child, I think she’s close enough. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Growing up, all I really wanted to do was have kids and be a wife. A couple of years ago, a lot of my girlfriends started having their first round of babies. West Texas is notorious for young marriages and young mothers. Anyhow, I started to develop a distaste for children. I couldn’t figure out why, either. I had always wanted a few of my own yet the desire was completely gone. No matter how hard I tried to see myself in that role, I couldn’t do it without cringing. I thought of children in the most negative sense, and I pretty much came to the conclusion that I wasn’t going to have any. Of course, people kept asking me and I’d just say, “Oh, I’ve got my whole life to have children. I’m in no hurry.” After all, saying “I don’t want kids” sends people into shock, especially out here.

 

Deep down this really bothered me. I wanted to want children. I wanted to want to be a mother. Even though it sounded exhausting and stressful, my friends talked about how sweet and rewarding it was. And I felt horrible. Why had my views changed so drastically? Children are a gift from the Lord, but I sure didn’t see it that way.

 

Psalm says the Lord gives you the desires of your heart, but the important thing we forget is that He gives them to you at the right time. And so even though the Lord knew that had been a desire of mine, He also knew I’m guilty of often trying to force my desires to happen when I’m ready to have them. And so He removed it from me, and for an incredible reason. Even though it made no sense then, it makes all the sense in the world now. And now, being in my mid-20’s, married to a man who will, no doubt, be an incredible father, that desire has returned and the idea doesn’t seem so bad anymore.  

 

This is the crossroads I have come to. I suppose I should say we, because this involves the both of us. And so we plan and we come up with ideas and they all sound good. Wait until we’re 30 to start a family, no maybe 28. Have one, okay, no more than two. Adopt, don’t adopt. Travel, travel, and spoil ourselves or save, save, and save some more. Plan but don’t plan. Have children before it’s too late but don’t start too early. Oy! Of course this conversation never gets us anywhere because, ultimately, both appear to be great options.

 

People say, “wait to have kids. Enjoy your time without them.” And yet how many people really wait that long unless they just have to for health reasons? Exactly. I think it’s one of those situations where you don’t really listen to the advice of others only later to find yourself giving that very same advice that you didn’t listen to.

 

On Sunday, the pastor preached about living in regret. He made the comment that we usually spend more time regretting the things we didn’t do rather than the things we actually did. It’s the missed opportunities that haunt us. It’s the regret of having a chance and not taking it. Of the time passing and the opportunity never returning. I have regrets just like you do. I do regret decisions I’ve made and I don’t want to go forward in life with the lingering thought of, “oh, I wish we would have/haven’t waited.”

 

So how do you know? How do you know when the timing is right? How do you know when you should pursue one avenue verses another when both seem to have good results in the end? Well, I don’t know. I don’t have an answer at this point. Maybe you just get through each day, thinking only a little bit in advance. Fortunately, for me, this is kind of a win/win situation. In the end, God will have His way, and I guess that’s how you really know.

 

So maybe, like me, you find yourself at a crossroads. What to do? Both options seem pretty good, and you can do either one. Well, think long term. Think about what you may be missing depending on the direction you go. And if you’re past choosing and you’re filled with regret, then start doing what you wished you would have done all along. It’s never to late to be a better parent, a better spouse, a better friend, a better worker, a better forgiver.

 

Not all of life’s choices are presented with sweet outcomes. Not every decision brings about fun and exciting adventures. But, if you end up choosing right, seeking the Lord, asking Him when and what to do, you’ll find that you don’t live with regret. And the best thing of all is that if, for some reason, you end up going the other direction, God is a God who can always turn your life around and make your regrets into something He will use for His glory.

 

#509 - Because He can make our regrets into something that brings Him glory.

 

"Not to us, Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness." - Psalm 115:1