Reason #527
Today has not been my favorite day, I'll just put it like that. But we all have days that aren't our favorite now and then. Makes the favorite ones really stand out, I suppose. And so aside from going to church this morning and taking a late walk with Scout this evening, I've not done a single thing I've enjoyed. My afternoon was full of house cleaning, 4 loads of laundry, and grocery shopping. And if I can just be completely honest, let me say that church was a little rough this morning, too.
I keep talking about this 'Radical' book we are reading in Sunday school because it is kicking me in the teeth. I have been so stretched and challenged to the limits and just when I think this author must be finished with the tough stuff, I'm wrong. So my heart and emotions are a total wreck right now. My convictions, too. And my brain is tired of thinking. If I could flip a switch and turn it off today, I would. Because I have thought and processed and thought some more. I am soul searching, purging and trying to be as open as I can be. But I'm not sure what it is that God is telling me. I'm not sure what He is asking me to do, or if He is even asking me to do anything. And so I just got super discouraged this afternoon. I felt so overwhelmed and a little afraid. Why, you ask? Last night I talked about getting outside of your own world and going. And I have this little fear in the back of my mind that God is going to greatly stretch my faith again and throw my nicely scheduled life, that I just finally got some what organized, into another huge "growth opportunity" by doing something majorly drastic. He's done it before, and I am better person for it, but it'd be nice to enjoy a little downtime before the next opportunity presents itself.
I am having this internal struggle of wanting the pleasures of the world and wanting to please the Lord. And somehow, I am trying to figure out if it's possible to have both at the same time. Although I fully realize that God wants us to please Him in everything we do, I want to be most pleasing to God. Does that make sense? I know I won't be the most pleasing person ever, and that I'm probably not most of the time, but I want to be as pleasing to God as I can be. And so I'm having a hard time figuring out how to do this. What this looks like. Because if I'm being really honest, I don't always feel like I am pleasing Him. I look at my life and I think, "Lord, I haven't done much and I'm not really doing much now. I could do so much more. I could do better. I don't know where to start, and I'm sorry that I've not done a whole for you." And as I expressed my thoughts to my mom this afternoon, she pointed out that it seems I'm doing it again. I'm looking at my self as worthless. Thinking I'll never measure up, I'll never be good enough. And yet these are my own self-imposed thoughts. My own feelings that have swelled up due to comparisons, and no where in scripture does it ever say God will only be pleased with you if you do a whole, whole, whole lot of really scary, amazing, extravagant, bold things for His kingdom. Rather, it states that our who goal of living is simply to glorify Him and make His name known. That, right there, is something anyone can do anywhere. But are we? Well, I've said this before and I'll say it again. I just want the Lord to be proud of me and what I'm doing. When we meet face to face, I want to hear that I did well. I want to honor Him and reflect Him, and I just want to do what He wants me to do.
I went on a walk with this thought tonight. Asking God for peace and rest and direction. Asking Him if I was, in fact, pleasing Him. And of course, as He always does, God spoke to me through His creation - Scout. Sweet girl, I don't know what I'd do without her. As you may remember, Scout went to training classes for 7 weeks. She learned a few things but the biggest thing she learned was how to properly walk on a leash. Prior to the training classes, she was not a good leash walker. She would pull and tug and bark at every dog that passed. She would try and drag herself over to any person that would look her way, attempting to gain as much attention as possible. Thankfully, Scout no longer does these things. Occasionally, she gets a little ahead of me, but I'm out of shape so that's my own fault. Anyway, as we took off walking tonight, I noticed that she kept looking up at me. Every few steps she'd take a quick glance to see where I was. Keeping her eye on me so she knew where to go. And if we passed fences with barking dogs, she would look back at me with a little fear in her eyes and I'd reassure her that she was okay and to keep moving. We passed dogs and people and all sorts of distractions yet Scout stayed right in step with me. And I realized that Scout was exemplifying what the Lord is asking me to do. Just stay with Him, keep my eyes on Him. Watch where He is going and make sure I'm going there with Him. Because if I do that, I know I'll be right where He wants me. If I stay by His side, I never have to wonder what He desires of me or what the plan is. I'll be right where I need to be, when I need to be, doing what He desires me to do. And that is such a reassuring, comforting thing.
I'm thankful to serve a God who knows my heart and speaks to me. Who doesn't let me stay in distress but comes quickly with comfort. A God who speaks truths over the lies and quiets anxious hearts of girls who are just trying to do their best. He is good and gentle and kinder to me than I deserve, and I praise Him for using the simple things I love to teach me life-changing lessons.
#527 - For a God who is quick to come to us with comfort and truth.
"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort." - 2 Corinthians 1:3
I keep talking about this 'Radical' book we are reading in Sunday school because it is kicking me in the teeth. I have been so stretched and challenged to the limits and just when I think this author must be finished with the tough stuff, I'm wrong. So my heart and emotions are a total wreck right now. My convictions, too. And my brain is tired of thinking. If I could flip a switch and turn it off today, I would. Because I have thought and processed and thought some more. I am soul searching, purging and trying to be as open as I can be. But I'm not sure what it is that God is telling me. I'm not sure what He is asking me to do, or if He is even asking me to do anything. And so I just got super discouraged this afternoon. I felt so overwhelmed and a little afraid. Why, you ask? Last night I talked about getting outside of your own world and going. And I have this little fear in the back of my mind that God is going to greatly stretch my faith again and throw my nicely scheduled life, that I just finally got some what organized, into another huge "growth opportunity" by doing something majorly drastic. He's done it before, and I am better person for it, but it'd be nice to enjoy a little downtime before the next opportunity presents itself.
I am having this internal struggle of wanting the pleasures of the world and wanting to please the Lord. And somehow, I am trying to figure out if it's possible to have both at the same time. Although I fully realize that God wants us to please Him in everything we do, I want to be most pleasing to God. Does that make sense? I know I won't be the most pleasing person ever, and that I'm probably not most of the time, but I want to be as pleasing to God as I can be. And so I'm having a hard time figuring out how to do this. What this looks like. Because if I'm being really honest, I don't always feel like I am pleasing Him. I look at my life and I think, "Lord, I haven't done much and I'm not really doing much now. I could do so much more. I could do better. I don't know where to start, and I'm sorry that I've not done a whole for you." And as I expressed my thoughts to my mom this afternoon, she pointed out that it seems I'm doing it again. I'm looking at my self as worthless. Thinking I'll never measure up, I'll never be good enough. And yet these are my own self-imposed thoughts. My own feelings that have swelled up due to comparisons, and no where in scripture does it ever say God will only be pleased with you if you do a whole, whole, whole lot of really scary, amazing, extravagant, bold things for His kingdom. Rather, it states that our who goal of living is simply to glorify Him and make His name known. That, right there, is something anyone can do anywhere. But are we? Well, I've said this before and I'll say it again. I just want the Lord to be proud of me and what I'm doing. When we meet face to face, I want to hear that I did well. I want to honor Him and reflect Him, and I just want to do what He wants me to do.
I went on a walk with this thought tonight. Asking God for peace and rest and direction. Asking Him if I was, in fact, pleasing Him. And of course, as He always does, God spoke to me through His creation - Scout. Sweet girl, I don't know what I'd do without her. As you may remember, Scout went to training classes for 7 weeks. She learned a few things but the biggest thing she learned was how to properly walk on a leash. Prior to the training classes, she was not a good leash walker. She would pull and tug and bark at every dog that passed. She would try and drag herself over to any person that would look her way, attempting to gain as much attention as possible. Thankfully, Scout no longer does these things. Occasionally, she gets a little ahead of me, but I'm out of shape so that's my own fault. Anyway, as we took off walking tonight, I noticed that she kept looking up at me. Every few steps she'd take a quick glance to see where I was. Keeping her eye on me so she knew where to go. And if we passed fences with barking dogs, she would look back at me with a little fear in her eyes and I'd reassure her that she was okay and to keep moving. We passed dogs and people and all sorts of distractions yet Scout stayed right in step with me. And I realized that Scout was exemplifying what the Lord is asking me to do. Just stay with Him, keep my eyes on Him. Watch where He is going and make sure I'm going there with Him. Because if I do that, I know I'll be right where He wants me. If I stay by His side, I never have to wonder what He desires of me or what the plan is. I'll be right where I need to be, when I need to be, doing what He desires me to do. And that is such a reassuring, comforting thing.
I'm thankful to serve a God who knows my heart and speaks to me. Who doesn't let me stay in distress but comes quickly with comfort. A God who speaks truths over the lies and quiets anxious hearts of girls who are just trying to do their best. He is good and gentle and kinder to me than I deserve, and I praise Him for using the simple things I love to teach me life-changing lessons.
#527 - For a God who is quick to come to us with comfort and truth.
"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort." - 2 Corinthians 1:3
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