Reason #182
I woke up at 2:00PM today. I probably would have slept even later but my mom called and woke me up, thank goodness. I had planned on getting up at 10:30 and being productive. My body obviously had different plans. I'm sure you've noticed by now, I don't do well in the sleep category. I have no problem sleeping, I just have a problem going to bed at a decent hour. But I try, I really do. I really try to make an effort to get sleep, it just never seems to work out as planned.
Such as life. I try to do a lot of things. I really have good intentions and try to do my best, but sometimes it just doesn't work out as planned. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, it doesn't go my way.
I tried. I really did. I tried everything I could do. I tried my best, gave it my all. And I fully believed my efforts were going to pay off. I fully believed that it was worth the try. But it didn't matter. I fell short, didn't measure up. Because it was impossible to measure up. No matter how much I tried, it wasn't going to happen. It's really difficult to meet impossible, unrealistic expectations. It's hard to do everything right all the time, and it's harder to be the ideal when you're just an ordinary girl made from the same sinful dirt everyone else is. Sometimes, all you can do is your best. Sometimes, all you can do is be you. And sometimes, in the eyes of others, it's just not enough.
And so I've struggled with this thought today. Wondering if I'll ever be able to do enough, to be enough. Wondering why I sometimes try so hard only to feel like in the end, it didn't matter, like I don't matter. And I began to feel helpless. Helpless because it seems like my attempts, my efforts, get so easily washed down the drain and discounted. Helpless because I never had a say in the matter. I couldn't help it even though I tried. "You didn't do enough. You quit trying too soon. Try harder. Do more. Be more." But I can't be more than me. I can't do more than what I did. Sometimes, in life, you can try your hardest, make every attempt, and it just isn't going to go as you planned.
I am simply me, and no matter how much I might wish differently on certain days, I can only be me. I'll never measure up to the standard. I'll never meet every expectation, and I'll never be perfect. Sure, I can try, and I can give it my best attempt, but I know I'll fall short everytime. My efforts will never be enough. All of it for nothing.
“I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:1-5
But I so easily forget that I'm just a branch. I'm not supposed to be able to do everything. In fact, I'm not even capable of such a huge task. And He makes it quite clear that He doesn't even expect that of me. My job, the one thing I have to do, the thing I must try my best at, is to remain attached. How simple. Just stay stuck! Because I can work and try and make every attempt to be productive, but if I'm not stuck, it's not happening. If I don't remain, I won't matter. And so I feel like that's what I've done. I've tried really, really hard to remain stuck. Somedays, it was easier than others. Somedays, I was hanging on by a thread. But attached is attached, thank goodness! And I rest in realizing that remaining is enough. He doesn't ask me to be perfect, He doesn't expect me to meet unrealistic expecations. He simply asks me to stay close by and to draw from His strength so that I don't shrivel up and fall away. And when I'm stuck, when I'm remaining, I don't have to try and try and try. I simply have to be. Be the branch He designed me to be. And, really, that's all I can do.
#182 - Because He simply expects me to stay stuck.
"But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father. I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love." - John 15:7-10
Such as life. I try to do a lot of things. I really have good intentions and try to do my best, but sometimes it just doesn't work out as planned. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, it doesn't go my way.
I tried. I really did. I tried everything I could do. I tried my best, gave it my all. And I fully believed my efforts were going to pay off. I fully believed that it was worth the try. But it didn't matter. I fell short, didn't measure up. Because it was impossible to measure up. No matter how much I tried, it wasn't going to happen. It's really difficult to meet impossible, unrealistic expectations. It's hard to do everything right all the time, and it's harder to be the ideal when you're just an ordinary girl made from the same sinful dirt everyone else is. Sometimes, all you can do is your best. Sometimes, all you can do is be you. And sometimes, in the eyes of others, it's just not enough.
And so I've struggled with this thought today. Wondering if I'll ever be able to do enough, to be enough. Wondering why I sometimes try so hard only to feel like in the end, it didn't matter, like I don't matter. And I began to feel helpless. Helpless because it seems like my attempts, my efforts, get so easily washed down the drain and discounted. Helpless because I never had a say in the matter. I couldn't help it even though I tried. "You didn't do enough. You quit trying too soon. Try harder. Do more. Be more." But I can't be more than me. I can't do more than what I did. Sometimes, in life, you can try your hardest, make every attempt, and it just isn't going to go as you planned.
I am simply me, and no matter how much I might wish differently on certain days, I can only be me. I'll never measure up to the standard. I'll never meet every expectation, and I'll never be perfect. Sure, I can try, and I can give it my best attempt, but I know I'll fall short everytime. My efforts will never be enough. All of it for nothing.
“I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:1-5
But I so easily forget that I'm just a branch. I'm not supposed to be able to do everything. In fact, I'm not even capable of such a huge task. And He makes it quite clear that He doesn't even expect that of me. My job, the one thing I have to do, the thing I must try my best at, is to remain attached. How simple. Just stay stuck! Because I can work and try and make every attempt to be productive, but if I'm not stuck, it's not happening. If I don't remain, I won't matter. And so I feel like that's what I've done. I've tried really, really hard to remain stuck. Somedays, it was easier than others. Somedays, I was hanging on by a thread. But attached is attached, thank goodness! And I rest in realizing that remaining is enough. He doesn't ask me to be perfect, He doesn't expect me to meet unrealistic expecations. He simply asks me to stay close by and to draw from His strength so that I don't shrivel up and fall away. And when I'm stuck, when I'm remaining, I don't have to try and try and try. I simply have to be. Be the branch He designed me to be. And, really, that's all I can do.
#182 - Because He simply expects me to stay stuck.
"But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father. I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love." - John 15:7-10
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