Reason #185
Another family dinner tonight. Obviously, food is our thing, but nothing's better than eating some good home cooking followed up by my grandmother's delicious chocolate cake.
Scout, my dog, turned one in November. November 27 to be exact. We had a family dinner/ birthday party for her complete with "snicker-poodles" and birthday gifts. I know you're thinking we're a crazy bunch for doing such a thing, and I would definitely agree that it sounds a little over the top. However, Scout's birthday was a reason to celebrate and at the time we were looking for any good thing. Anything that could bring a smile, create a good memory, ease the pain. An excuse to be joyful and happy. A way to forget, for a little bit, about the tragedy we were smack dab in the middle of. So we took the opportunity to celebrate this little creature who had, consequently, brought quite a bit of joy and comfort into my life. And, I must admit, seeing her eat "snicker-poodles" off of a birthday party plate did bring a smile to my face.
And as I sat at the dinner table tonight, I thought back to that exact family dinner in November and I though about how joy and happiness has slowly but surely made its way back into my life. I thought about how my appetite has too, as I got a second piece of chocolate cake. And I thought about how light the mood was. I would venture to say that I have a very light-hearted family, but for many months, our family dinners had a sorrowful undertone. For many months I sat, hardly eating, and they would watch me with pain and compassion in their eyes. They would hug me closer, speak softer and gently nudge me out of my little, sad shell. Because for months I was basically a walking, dazed shell of myself. The laughter was missing, the light-heartedness was gone and the "old-me" was absent. Nothing is worse than not feeling like yourself. Nothing is worse than being stuck in an emotion that you so desperately want to be rid of. And nothing is worse than not knowing if or when you'll ever be the old you again.
Tonight, I shared with my mom that I don't know how I did it. I don't know how I made it through 6 agonizing months of sad days. Every day was a sad day. Every day was gloomy and horrible. And happiness began to be an infrequent visitor, so we had to push it. We had to make things happen. Create happy moments. And during those months, my toes got many pedicures and my wardrobe grew. I realize that spending money doesn't bring happiness, but it's amazing what a new sundress and a foot rub can do for a girl who is desperately in need of a little sunshine in her life.
But here's the real truth. It wasn't toe nail polish that kept me going. It wasn't sundresses or purses or new high heel shoes that got me through it.
Scout, my dog, turned one in November. November 27 to be exact. We had a family dinner/ birthday party for her complete with "snicker-poodles" and birthday gifts. I know you're thinking we're a crazy bunch for doing such a thing, and I would definitely agree that it sounds a little over the top. However, Scout's birthday was a reason to celebrate and at the time we were looking for any good thing. Anything that could bring a smile, create a good memory, ease the pain. An excuse to be joyful and happy. A way to forget, for a little bit, about the tragedy we were smack dab in the middle of. So we took the opportunity to celebrate this little creature who had, consequently, brought quite a bit of joy and comfort into my life. And, I must admit, seeing her eat "snicker-poodles" off of a birthday party plate did bring a smile to my face.
And as I sat at the dinner table tonight, I thought back to that exact family dinner in November and I though about how joy and happiness has slowly but surely made its way back into my life. I thought about how my appetite has too, as I got a second piece of chocolate cake. And I thought about how light the mood was. I would venture to say that I have a very light-hearted family, but for many months, our family dinners had a sorrowful undertone. For many months I sat, hardly eating, and they would watch me with pain and compassion in their eyes. They would hug me closer, speak softer and gently nudge me out of my little, sad shell. Because for months I was basically a walking, dazed shell of myself. The laughter was missing, the light-heartedness was gone and the "old-me" was absent. Nothing is worse than not feeling like yourself. Nothing is worse than being stuck in an emotion that you so desperately want to be rid of. And nothing is worse than not knowing if or when you'll ever be the old you again.
Tonight, I shared with my mom that I don't know how I did it. I don't know how I made it through 6 agonizing months of sad days. Every day was a sad day. Every day was gloomy and horrible. And happiness began to be an infrequent visitor, so we had to push it. We had to make things happen. Create happy moments. And during those months, my toes got many pedicures and my wardrobe grew. I realize that spending money doesn't bring happiness, but it's amazing what a new sundress and a foot rub can do for a girl who is desperately in need of a little sunshine in her life.
But here's the real truth. It wasn't toe nail polish that kept me going. It wasn't sundresses or purses or new high heel shoes that got me through it.
1 I will thank the Lord at all times.
My lips will always praise him.
2 I will honor the Lord.
Let those who are hurting hear and be joyful.
3 Join me in giving glory to the Lord.
Let us honor him together.
4 I looked to the Lord, and he answered me.
He saved me from everything I was afraid of.
5 Those who look to him beam with joy.
They are never put to shame.
6 This poor man called out, and the Lord heard him.
He saved him out of all of his troubles.
7 The angel of the Lord stands guard
around those who have respect for him.
And he saves them.
8 Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Blessed is the man who goes to him for safety.
9 You people of God, have respect for the Lord.
Those who respect him have everything they need.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry.
But those who look to the Lord have every good thing they need.
11 My children, come. Listen to me.
I will teach you to have respect for the Lord.
12 Do you love life
and want to see many good days?
13 Then keep your tongues from speaking evil.
Keep your lips from telling lies.
14 Turn away from evil, and do good.
Look for peace, and go after it.
15 The Lord looks with favor on those who are godly.
His ears are open to their cry.
16 The Lord doesn't look with favor on those who do evil.
He removes all memory of them from the earth.
17 Godly people cry out, and the Lord hears them.
He saves them from all of their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to those whose hearts have been broken.
He saves those whose spirits have been crushed.
19 Anyone who does what is right may have many troubles.
But the Lord saves him from all of them.
20 The Lord watches over all of his bones.
Not one of them will be broken.
21 Sinners will be killed by their own evil.
The enemies of godly people will be judged.
22 The Lord sets those who serve him free.
No one who goes to him for safety will be judged.
My lips will always praise him.
2 I will honor the Lord.
Let those who are hurting hear and be joyful.
3 Join me in giving glory to the Lord.
Let us honor him together.
4 I looked to the Lord, and he answered me.
He saved me from everything I was afraid of.
5 Those who look to him beam with joy.
They are never put to shame.
6 This poor man called out, and the Lord heard him.
He saved him out of all of his troubles.
7 The angel of the Lord stands guard
around those who have respect for him.
And he saves them.
8 Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Blessed is the man who goes to him for safety.
9 You people of God, have respect for the Lord.
Those who respect him have everything they need.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry.
But those who look to the Lord have every good thing they need.
11 My children, come. Listen to me.
I will teach you to have respect for the Lord.
12 Do you love life
and want to see many good days?
13 Then keep your tongues from speaking evil.
Keep your lips from telling lies.
14 Turn away from evil, and do good.
Look for peace, and go after it.
15 The Lord looks with favor on those who are godly.
His ears are open to their cry.
16 The Lord doesn't look with favor on those who do evil.
He removes all memory of them from the earth.
17 Godly people cry out, and the Lord hears them.
He saves them from all of their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to those whose hearts have been broken.
He saves those whose spirits have been crushed.
19 Anyone who does what is right may have many troubles.
But the Lord saves him from all of them.
20 The Lord watches over all of his bones.
Not one of them will be broken.
21 Sinners will be killed by their own evil.
The enemies of godly people will be judged.
22 The Lord sets those who serve him free.
No one who goes to him for safety will be judged.
-Psalm 34
He got me through it. He watched over me and carried me through those agonizing months of gloom and darkness. He not only heard my cries, He saw my many, many tears and He saved me from my troubles. He delivered me from my fears, and He supplied me with everything I needed. And through the months, as He so tenderly and gently cared for me, He began to bind up my broken heart. He began piecing back my crushed spirit as He soothed me with His peace and slowly but surely began nudging me out of my sorrowful shell of a self. And although I didn't, and often times still don't, understand all my troubles, I learned that just because I'm His child doesn't mean I'm exempt from facing hard times. However, what it does mean is that because I am His child, His dearly, beloved child, He is faithful to deliver me from them every time. And it's possible, even in the midst of the darkest dark, for joy to still abide within. Deep, deep down the joy exists because we know that the sorrow only lasts for a while. And as the sorrow begins to lessen, the joy grows and grows. And although the progression often times seems slow, with the growing joy comes happier hearts, renewed and refreshed spirits, and those precious moments of laughter become frequent visitors.
Tonight, I could see it a little more than ever. I realized that the old me has made a big come-back, not quite a full come-back but close. However, the old me has become the changed me, which is now the new me, and I'm forever grateful to a God who who delivers me every time. I'm thankful that He continues to work and restore and change us into "new and improved me's" as we walk through the darkest of dark rather than leaving us alone in shells to waste away.
Slowly but surely... some things just take a little time. But God, well, He is good ALL the time!
#185 - Because He didn't leave me in my shell but is slowly and surely transforming me from the "old me" to the "new me."
"But I will keep on hoping for you to help me; I will praise you more and more. I will tell everyone about your righteousness. All day long I will proclaim your saving power, for I am overwhelmed by how much you have done for me." - Psalm 71:14-15
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