Reason #373
In the spring, my mom used to encourage me to write "blessing" blogs, not "depressing" blogs. I had this routine where I would go over to their house when I got off of work, we'd have dinner and then she and I would take Scout on a walk. I would spend the walk pouring my heart out to her, and I must say she's a trooper. I didn't go lightly on her. I shared with her the deep, dark, ugly feelings I had. I was totally honest about my thoughts and about how I viewed myself. And she always listened and spoke truth to me. Here's the thing. I know the truth, but sometimes I have a hard time believing it.
Today was one of those days. I've said over and over how much I love Sundays, and it's true. I really do, but I had a day full of insecurity today. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's just me, but I deal with insecurity more than I'd like to. It is set off by something really small and insignificant and before I know it, it's completely and irrationally out of control. From the top of my head all the way down to my toenails (I'm not even kidding) I was feeling insecure. And the insecurities morphed into more things than just the physical, so by the time I got to church this evening, I was feeling at an all time low. I couldn't really figure out why I was feeling this way, as no particular thing had brought about these thoughts, but I just felt a bit defeated.
Strangely enough, we talked about the value of life in Sunday school today. We talked about how God values each and every one of us. And, not only does He value our lives, He values every day of our lives. In fact, He considers each moment in our lives so important that He took the time to record them before they even happened. We are custom made, hand-designed. He picked out our details and our personalities, and He made each one of us just the way He wanted us to be. But somewhere along the way we began to place a value on ourselves. Appearance, success, education, salary, titles, possessions, connections, power, experiences and the list goes on and on. We not only value ourselves based on these criteria, we also begin to value others based on the same things. And I'll be real honest with you and say I that I don't always feel valuable. I measure myself against the world's standards of value and I hardly measure up. I begin to think about what I see as valuable and I realize that I don't posses a lot of those things from the list. I also think about the things I've been through, choices I've made, regrets I have and I continue to depreciate in my mind. But I talked about it this morning. Created in God's perfect image. Given the life He intended me to have. And, if God values me and every detail of my life, why do I have such a hard time doing the same? I don't know. I try to rationalize and talk some sense into myself but I don't always listen to me.
I made it to church, late, this evening. It was packed, so I snuck in during the prayer and sought out a seat that was easily accessible. Aaron plays the drums in the evening service, so I always ask what songs are on the playlist. Late last night, they made a switch and added a different song. I stood by myself in the sanctuary and I didn't feel like singing, as I was even feeling insecure about my voice. And so I just closed my eyes and began to pray that God would just remove this from me. They began to play the song that was added in and a lump formed in my throat. I couldn't even open my mouth to sing because I was so overwhelmed at the moment by God's love.
You are good, you are good when there's nothing good in me...
And so I stood there and listened to the words. The chorus came around and His name was sung over and over again, Jesus, Jesus. In that moment, it clicked. In that moment, I figured it out. I had spent the day looking at me. Dwelling on me, thinking about me. I had spent the day consumed with Brittnye. Trying to find my value in things that are worthless, things that will fade away. I had spent the morning teaching about where our true value comes from yet I wasn't taking it to heart. Jesus, He is our value. It's not our job, our appearance, our clothing, our bank accounts, our homes, our schedules, our title, or our status that gives us value. It's not even our experiences, our choices, our behavior, or our track record that gives us our value. It's Jesus. And until we realize that, until we quit looking at ourselves and at the things of this world, and start looking to Him, we'll never feel valuable. But He values us. It is not based on the choices we've made, the shame we've faced, the amount of people who knows us, the number of bad hair days we have each month, the sins we can't seem to shake, what items we may or may not posses, whether or not we have certain letters following our name on our desk plates, no, He values us simply because He made us. He created us and designed us after Himself, and so we hold a great deal of value whether or not we feel it.
And I thank Him for that. For valuing me enough to give me life. For caring enough to know every moment of every day, and seeing value in that as well. And I thank Him for reminding me of that as He made sure to switch up the playlist at church tonight. Because God knew what I would be feeling today. He knew what I would need to hear, and so because He values me so much, He made sure to put that in place for me. And that right there was enough to remind me of how valuable He thinks I am.
#373 - Because I am valuable to Him!
"Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!" - Psalm 139:16-17
Today was one of those days. I've said over and over how much I love Sundays, and it's true. I really do, but I had a day full of insecurity today. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's just me, but I deal with insecurity more than I'd like to. It is set off by something really small and insignificant and before I know it, it's completely and irrationally out of control. From the top of my head all the way down to my toenails (I'm not even kidding) I was feeling insecure. And the insecurities morphed into more things than just the physical, so by the time I got to church this evening, I was feeling at an all time low. I couldn't really figure out why I was feeling this way, as no particular thing had brought about these thoughts, but I just felt a bit defeated.
Strangely enough, we talked about the value of life in Sunday school today. We talked about how God values each and every one of us. And, not only does He value our lives, He values every day of our lives. In fact, He considers each moment in our lives so important that He took the time to record them before they even happened. We are custom made, hand-designed. He picked out our details and our personalities, and He made each one of us just the way He wanted us to be. But somewhere along the way we began to place a value on ourselves. Appearance, success, education, salary, titles, possessions, connections, power, experiences and the list goes on and on. We not only value ourselves based on these criteria, we also begin to value others based on the same things. And I'll be real honest with you and say I that I don't always feel valuable. I measure myself against the world's standards of value and I hardly measure up. I begin to think about what I see as valuable and I realize that I don't posses a lot of those things from the list. I also think about the things I've been through, choices I've made, regrets I have and I continue to depreciate in my mind. But I talked about it this morning. Created in God's perfect image. Given the life He intended me to have. And, if God values me and every detail of my life, why do I have such a hard time doing the same? I don't know. I try to rationalize and talk some sense into myself but I don't always listen to me.
I made it to church, late, this evening. It was packed, so I snuck in during the prayer and sought out a seat that was easily accessible. Aaron plays the drums in the evening service, so I always ask what songs are on the playlist. Late last night, they made a switch and added a different song. I stood by myself in the sanctuary and I didn't feel like singing, as I was even feeling insecure about my voice. And so I just closed my eyes and began to pray that God would just remove this from me. They began to play the song that was added in and a lump formed in my throat. I couldn't even open my mouth to sing because I was so overwhelmed at the moment by God's love.
You are good, you are good when there's nothing good in me...
And so I stood there and listened to the words. The chorus came around and His name was sung over and over again, Jesus, Jesus. In that moment, it clicked. In that moment, I figured it out. I had spent the day looking at me. Dwelling on me, thinking about me. I had spent the day consumed with Brittnye. Trying to find my value in things that are worthless, things that will fade away. I had spent the morning teaching about where our true value comes from yet I wasn't taking it to heart. Jesus, He is our value. It's not our job, our appearance, our clothing, our bank accounts, our homes, our schedules, our title, or our status that gives us value. It's not even our experiences, our choices, our behavior, or our track record that gives us our value. It's Jesus. And until we realize that, until we quit looking at ourselves and at the things of this world, and start looking to Him, we'll never feel valuable. But He values us. It is not based on the choices we've made, the shame we've faced, the amount of people who knows us, the number of bad hair days we have each month, the sins we can't seem to shake, what items we may or may not posses, whether or not we have certain letters following our name on our desk plates, no, He values us simply because He made us. He created us and designed us after Himself, and so we hold a great deal of value whether or not we feel it.
And I thank Him for that. For valuing me enough to give me life. For caring enough to know every moment of every day, and seeing value in that as well. And I thank Him for reminding me of that as He made sure to switch up the playlist at church tonight. Because God knew what I would be feeling today. He knew what I would need to hear, and so because He values me so much, He made sure to put that in place for me. And that right there was enough to remind me of how valuable He thinks I am.
#373 - Because I am valuable to Him!
"Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!" - Psalm 139:16-17
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