Reason #375
"Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love." - 1 John 4:18
I keep praying that God will show me the truth. Teach it to me so that I don't forget it. We're not perfect, by any means, but I think God uses us more than we know to teach one another about Him and His love for us. After all, we are created in His image, in His very likeness, and these lessons of love we receive from one another may be the closest we get to grasping the depth of His love on this side of Heaven.
My Grandmother made brownies for me yesterday. She sent me home with half of the pan, and I think I ate at least 3 of them today. I was having a rough day. I haven't had a rough day in quite a while, as those have gotten far and few in between. But little things have happened since Sunday and I just woke up with a heavy heart this morning.
1 John 4:18 is a verse that I have repeated to myself over and over. It's one I know but I haven't really understood the meaning of it until tonight. Jason Gray sings a song about fear and in the chorus he says, "there's no thief like fear." It's true. Because fear comes to steal and destroy. Fear comes to take away your joy and replace it with anxiety. Fear comes to destroy your happy moments when you least expect it. And it's funny the little things that strike fear in us. Sometimes, we're scared of the silliest things, aren't we? But how can love remove fear? What does that even look like?
A year and half ago, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. Fortunately, I've always been a pretty independent and self-sufficient girl but I wasn't near prepared for the responsibility I was about to take on. All of the sudden, I found myself totally and completely responsible for assets in which I regretted purchasing along with bills, bills and more bills. I signed my name to a note worth six figures. I was officially "on my own," complete with a small paycheck and a big load to carry. I quickly became very independent for so many reasons. For one, I had no choice. I also felt like a burden to those around me. The last thing I wanted to do was ask for help and I was determined that I was not going to, either. I believed that if anyone offered to help me, it was out of pity or because they somehow felt guilted into it. I adapted this new "Oh, I'll take care of it... I've got it..." mindset. Guilt burried itself deep, deep down inside. I felt so unworthy of any good thing and felt that I only deserved the worst. Contrary to my belief, God poured blessing upon blessing over my life. My cup was overflowing and I couldn't even enjoy it. All I could think of was, "Why me? I don't deserve this. I shouldn't have this."
Fast forward to Monday night. I stood in my mom's kitchen feeling defeated and I shared my thoughts with her. My mom said, "Brittnye, if God didn't feel you deserved these things, He wouldn't give them to you." Truth, spoken from the mouth of a wise woman. But deceit does such a good job of preventing truth from sinking in. The lies screamed so loudly that's all I could hear, and by 5:00PM today I could hardly stand myself.
More than anything, I'm scared. Scared of the things I can't control. Scared of what others might think. Scared of outcomes that won't ever become realities. Scared to make decisions. Scared that provision dry up for some strange reason. Mostly, I'm scared to take off my "brave face" and to be seen as weak and insufficient. I try to keep from writing obviously about Aaron. I refer to Him quite often in my cryptic style, but sometimes it's just easier for me to say what I need to say without getting creative. The thing about being in a close relationship with someone is that they can tell when you're not you. They can tell when something is bothering you. Transparency is important, but transparency is hard. I knew Aaron would be able to tell. I knew I couldn't hold it together and pretend I was okay. I tried but two seconds into seeing him, the tears started streaming down my face. I knew I was going to have to share these fears. I knew I was going to have to quit pretending to be so strong and brave. I knew I was going to have to admit some things about myself and be real with my feelings, even though I knew deep down I was being irrational. But that's the hard thing about emotion, just because you know something doesn't always mean you feel that way and vice versa. So I sat on my couch and I cried. I was scared to share these things, scared to admit them. But he listened. He paid attention to every word, he pointed out the lies I was believing, and he reminded me of truth. He didn't judge me or tell me to suck it up. He didn't get frustrated with me or shrug things off. And he listened for as long as I talked and when I was finished, he reminded me of how dearly loved I am. He reminded me that blessings are given solely to be enjoyed and appreciated. He reminded me that I don't have to feel this way and carry around this heavy load all by myself. And he reminded me, again, of what he sees when he looks at me.
My fear melted away. It wasn't as scary as I anticipated. Truthfully, it was freeing. And, no, my feelings didn't instantly change, however, I'm working on them. But what relief when you know you can be you and be loved and accepted for you. At your worst, at your best, it doesn't matter. I think this is what it meant about love driving out fear. And God does this for us. We can do this with Him. We can sit and be honest and cry our eyes out and it doesn't change how He feels about us. We can't scare Him away or change His mind. He's going to love us no matter how emotional and irrational we get. When we are scared, He's going to speak words of comfort and peace into our lives. He wants to know, He wants us to tell Him. And when we do, He'll be sure to remind us of the truth. Because He doesn't see what we see when He looks at us. He sees so much more. He sees what we're becoming and what we're going to be. He sees someone He loves infinitely and dearly. Someone He would give anything for, do anything for. And sometimes we just need to be reminded of those things. Love drives out fear because love is there to walk beside you through the scary moments. And when you have love accompanying you, you can get through pretty much anything!
#375 - Because His love accompanies us through the scary moments, too.
"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." - Psalm 34:4-5
I keep praying that God will show me the truth. Teach it to me so that I don't forget it. We're not perfect, by any means, but I think God uses us more than we know to teach one another about Him and His love for us. After all, we are created in His image, in His very likeness, and these lessons of love we receive from one another may be the closest we get to grasping the depth of His love on this side of Heaven.
My Grandmother made brownies for me yesterday. She sent me home with half of the pan, and I think I ate at least 3 of them today. I was having a rough day. I haven't had a rough day in quite a while, as those have gotten far and few in between. But little things have happened since Sunday and I just woke up with a heavy heart this morning.
1 John 4:18 is a verse that I have repeated to myself over and over. It's one I know but I haven't really understood the meaning of it until tonight. Jason Gray sings a song about fear and in the chorus he says, "there's no thief like fear." It's true. Because fear comes to steal and destroy. Fear comes to take away your joy and replace it with anxiety. Fear comes to destroy your happy moments when you least expect it. And it's funny the little things that strike fear in us. Sometimes, we're scared of the silliest things, aren't we? But how can love remove fear? What does that even look like?
A year and half ago, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. Fortunately, I've always been a pretty independent and self-sufficient girl but I wasn't near prepared for the responsibility I was about to take on. All of the sudden, I found myself totally and completely responsible for assets in which I regretted purchasing along with bills, bills and more bills. I signed my name to a note worth six figures. I was officially "on my own," complete with a small paycheck and a big load to carry. I quickly became very independent for so many reasons. For one, I had no choice. I also felt like a burden to those around me. The last thing I wanted to do was ask for help and I was determined that I was not going to, either. I believed that if anyone offered to help me, it was out of pity or because they somehow felt guilted into it. I adapted this new "Oh, I'll take care of it... I've got it..." mindset. Guilt burried itself deep, deep down inside. I felt so unworthy of any good thing and felt that I only deserved the worst. Contrary to my belief, God poured blessing upon blessing over my life. My cup was overflowing and I couldn't even enjoy it. All I could think of was, "Why me? I don't deserve this. I shouldn't have this."
Fast forward to Monday night. I stood in my mom's kitchen feeling defeated and I shared my thoughts with her. My mom said, "Brittnye, if God didn't feel you deserved these things, He wouldn't give them to you." Truth, spoken from the mouth of a wise woman. But deceit does such a good job of preventing truth from sinking in. The lies screamed so loudly that's all I could hear, and by 5:00PM today I could hardly stand myself.
More than anything, I'm scared. Scared of the things I can't control. Scared of what others might think. Scared of outcomes that won't ever become realities. Scared to make decisions. Scared that provision dry up for some strange reason. Mostly, I'm scared to take off my "brave face" and to be seen as weak and insufficient. I try to keep from writing obviously about Aaron. I refer to Him quite often in my cryptic style, but sometimes it's just easier for me to say what I need to say without getting creative. The thing about being in a close relationship with someone is that they can tell when you're not you. They can tell when something is bothering you. Transparency is important, but transparency is hard. I knew Aaron would be able to tell. I knew I couldn't hold it together and pretend I was okay. I tried but two seconds into seeing him, the tears started streaming down my face. I knew I was going to have to share these fears. I knew I was going to have to quit pretending to be so strong and brave. I knew I was going to have to admit some things about myself and be real with my feelings, even though I knew deep down I was being irrational. But that's the hard thing about emotion, just because you know something doesn't always mean you feel that way and vice versa. So I sat on my couch and I cried. I was scared to share these things, scared to admit them. But he listened. He paid attention to every word, he pointed out the lies I was believing, and he reminded me of truth. He didn't judge me or tell me to suck it up. He didn't get frustrated with me or shrug things off. And he listened for as long as I talked and when I was finished, he reminded me of how dearly loved I am. He reminded me that blessings are given solely to be enjoyed and appreciated. He reminded me that I don't have to feel this way and carry around this heavy load all by myself. And he reminded me, again, of what he sees when he looks at me.
My fear melted away. It wasn't as scary as I anticipated. Truthfully, it was freeing. And, no, my feelings didn't instantly change, however, I'm working on them. But what relief when you know you can be you and be loved and accepted for you. At your worst, at your best, it doesn't matter. I think this is what it meant about love driving out fear. And God does this for us. We can do this with Him. We can sit and be honest and cry our eyes out and it doesn't change how He feels about us. We can't scare Him away or change His mind. He's going to love us no matter how emotional and irrational we get. When we are scared, He's going to speak words of comfort and peace into our lives. He wants to know, He wants us to tell Him. And when we do, He'll be sure to remind us of the truth. Because He doesn't see what we see when He looks at us. He sees so much more. He sees what we're becoming and what we're going to be. He sees someone He loves infinitely and dearly. Someone He would give anything for, do anything for. And sometimes we just need to be reminded of those things. Love drives out fear because love is there to walk beside you through the scary moments. And when you have love accompanying you, you can get through pretty much anything!
#375 - Because His love accompanies us through the scary moments, too.
"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." - Psalm 34:4-5
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