Reason #383
I underestimated the weather today. I didn't realize it was going to be so cold! I pretty much stayed in a constant state of shivering today, and I didn't think my chill bumps were ever going to go away. I had a few things that needed to get accomplished tonight but I decided that, more than anything, I needed to get warm up. I sat in the hottest bath I could possibly stand, and watched my ghostly, white skin turn red as a beet. Finally, warm for the first time since I woke up this morning.
As is the norm, I had my radio playing. I don't like being home in the silence, and because my radio is constantly on, I almost feel as if I personally know the deejay's. Anyhow, Josh Wilson's new song finished playing and the deejay made a comment about just giving up. Giving up your worries, concerns, anxieties and fears to God. Just let go of them and give them up. Let Him do the work that needs to be done.
I have this self-inflicted idea of perfectionism. This is a personality trait I was born with. Some of us have a sense of perfectionsim in different areas of life, but mine pretty much extends to all areas. And so I've told myself over and over again that I need to be a strong, independent woman. After all, I am a capable person. I have a college degree and few years of working experience under my belt, not to mention I have been able to successfully provide for myself for 4 years now. And so I have this sense of pride, I suppose you would say. I'm a determined girl and I do not give up easily. I've learned that I'm a fighter and if I feel like I need to accomplish something, I will find a way to do it. But this sense of independence and attempted perfectionism is wearing me out, and I have a feeling that the Lord is allowing this exhaustion to teach me a big, important lesson.
And so for the first time last night, I finally admitted it out loud to my mom. For the first time last night I finally said, "I just want to be taken care of." But for some reason I feel I am responsible for making this happen. For some reason I feel like I am the only one who can and should do this. And, to be honest, I feel really guilty letting anyone else take this task on, as I often times see myself as a burden.
I studied a lot about the Israelites in the fall of 2011. A divinely appointed study that I've mentioned plenty of times during my earlier posts. The Israelites were freed by God. He had heard their prayers and He resuced them from slavery and oppression. He set their feet on the path towards the promised land. The journey was long, but God rained His blessings down on the Israelites while they were in the desert. His presence constantly accompanied them every step of the way. And finally, they made it. Finally, they were given the promised land. A place full of beauty. A land flowing with milk and honey. God's goodness was written all over this place. They had been delivered. But they quickly forgot. Not long into this new place, and they began to pull away from Him. They began to forget what God had done for them. They didn't seem to remember the incredible journey they had been on. It was as if they, all of the sudden, thought they had brought this blessing and deliverance about themselves. And they took credit for their prosperity. They lost the intimacy with Him. With Yahweh. With Jehova Jira. They quit looking to the Provider, and they put all of the good things they were given in front of a good God who was the one had given it all to them.
Early on, I had this fear. Early on, I knew this might happen. Because I'm just like those Israelites. And so I don't want to forget. I don't want to lose the intimacy, but I also don't want to be in a constant state of devastation. And so I've been asking to experience Him the same whether in the desert or in the promised land. But here's what I discovered tonight. I have to give up. I have to stop trying to do everything on my own. Because while in the desert, I knew I was helpless. I was totally and completely dependent on God because I had nothing. The promised land looks quite different. It is beautiful, it is sweet, and I love it here. This is right where my heart longed to be. But I realize that if I want to experience Him in the same manner, I can't begin to take contol. I can't be Miss Independent. I can't take any credit or let my mind be filled with other things. And most of all, I can't replace the goodness of God with the good things He's given me.
And so I'm trying. I'm trying to just give up. Quit trying to take control, to manage, to perfect and just let Him do it for me. Let Him take care of me. Because I really do want that. I want to be taken care of. And no one, I mean no one, has ever taken as good of care of me as He has. And so I'm going to stop. I'm going to give it up, even though it goes completely against my type-A+ personality, and I'm going to remember. Recall what He's done, how He's done it, and I'm going to keep letting Him do it here, too!
#383 - Because it's okay to give up when you're giving it up to Him.
"Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you." - Psalm 143:8
As is the norm, I had my radio playing. I don't like being home in the silence, and because my radio is constantly on, I almost feel as if I personally know the deejay's. Anyhow, Josh Wilson's new song finished playing and the deejay made a comment about just giving up. Giving up your worries, concerns, anxieties and fears to God. Just let go of them and give them up. Let Him do the work that needs to be done.
I have this self-inflicted idea of perfectionism. This is a personality trait I was born with. Some of us have a sense of perfectionsim in different areas of life, but mine pretty much extends to all areas. And so I've told myself over and over again that I need to be a strong, independent woman. After all, I am a capable person. I have a college degree and few years of working experience under my belt, not to mention I have been able to successfully provide for myself for 4 years now. And so I have this sense of pride, I suppose you would say. I'm a determined girl and I do not give up easily. I've learned that I'm a fighter and if I feel like I need to accomplish something, I will find a way to do it. But this sense of independence and attempted perfectionism is wearing me out, and I have a feeling that the Lord is allowing this exhaustion to teach me a big, important lesson.
And so for the first time last night, I finally admitted it out loud to my mom. For the first time last night I finally said, "I just want to be taken care of." But for some reason I feel I am responsible for making this happen. For some reason I feel like I am the only one who can and should do this. And, to be honest, I feel really guilty letting anyone else take this task on, as I often times see myself as a burden.
I studied a lot about the Israelites in the fall of 2011. A divinely appointed study that I've mentioned plenty of times during my earlier posts. The Israelites were freed by God. He had heard their prayers and He resuced them from slavery and oppression. He set their feet on the path towards the promised land. The journey was long, but God rained His blessings down on the Israelites while they were in the desert. His presence constantly accompanied them every step of the way. And finally, they made it. Finally, they were given the promised land. A place full of beauty. A land flowing with milk and honey. God's goodness was written all over this place. They had been delivered. But they quickly forgot. Not long into this new place, and they began to pull away from Him. They began to forget what God had done for them. They didn't seem to remember the incredible journey they had been on. It was as if they, all of the sudden, thought they had brought this blessing and deliverance about themselves. And they took credit for their prosperity. They lost the intimacy with Him. With Yahweh. With Jehova Jira. They quit looking to the Provider, and they put all of the good things they were given in front of a good God who was the one had given it all to them.
Early on, I had this fear. Early on, I knew this might happen. Because I'm just like those Israelites. And so I don't want to forget. I don't want to lose the intimacy, but I also don't want to be in a constant state of devastation. And so I've been asking to experience Him the same whether in the desert or in the promised land. But here's what I discovered tonight. I have to give up. I have to stop trying to do everything on my own. Because while in the desert, I knew I was helpless. I was totally and completely dependent on God because I had nothing. The promised land looks quite different. It is beautiful, it is sweet, and I love it here. This is right where my heart longed to be. But I realize that if I want to experience Him in the same manner, I can't begin to take contol. I can't be Miss Independent. I can't take any credit or let my mind be filled with other things. And most of all, I can't replace the goodness of God with the good things He's given me.
And so I'm trying. I'm trying to just give up. Quit trying to take control, to manage, to perfect and just let Him do it for me. Let Him take care of me. Because I really do want that. I want to be taken care of. And no one, I mean no one, has ever taken as good of care of me as He has. And so I'm going to stop. I'm going to give it up, even though it goes completely against my type-A+ personality, and I'm going to remember. Recall what He's done, how He's done it, and I'm going to keep letting Him do it here, too!
#383 - Because it's okay to give up when you're giving it up to Him.
"Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you." - Psalm 143:8
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